Love & Belonging

I share the following words from Brene Brown, not because I've mastered the concepts, but because I desperately need to learn them.  Because of her work I finally have an understanding of where I've gone wrong or where my difficulties in connection and belonging lie.  I have suffered through feelings of shame and unworthiness most of my life.  Anytime I make a mistake I feel a sense of shame and have little resilience from those feelings because I had decided a long time ago that I am unworthy.  I decided that I was unworthy of joy, abundance, recognition, and love because it was a safer place.  I couldn't get hurt if I didn't allow those things to happen to me.  Unfortunately, that has kept me from the very things I want out of life.  I also blamed my parents and religion for these feelings of unworthiness.  Had my mother not abandoned me or my father been kinder to me or lived a better life I might not have these feelings.  Well, possibly, but there comes a time in life where we have to take responsibility and rise above blame.  Only I can decide I am worthy and take action to support that.  And religion, well it teaches we are sinners, we are small and powerless, but with God's love and mercy we are saved.  Certainly we need to connect with the divine, but the dogma of religion is not place to cultivate worthiness.  So slowly, slowly I am beginning to realize I am in fact worth and slowly I am beginning to love all the parts of me, even the wounds.  But it's hard to undo 38 years of poor programming.  My intention is to do just that.  Here is what Brene Brown says about love and belonging.

"Love:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connectiuon that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Belonging:
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

Courage

The word courage has been coming up in my life for about a year or so.  I haven't exactly known what it means or how or why it might apply to me.  To me courage means to be strong and heroic.  I hardly ever feel strong and heroic.  It would seem though for one to live an authentic life, one needs courage.  I would like to lead an authentic life.  One where I can be myself and speak my mind and help others.  I have at least 5 books on my night stand right now.  I am somewhere in the middle of each of them.  I read so much and try to glean something I can use in my daily life, or find out something about myself that I can improve.  If nothing else I have become acutely aware of my imperfections and toxic patterns.  I do have trouble actually changing my behaviors and thoughts in a positive way.  I want to do it, I really do, but something about knowing I won't be perfect might be keeping me from even trying.  One book I am reading is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  She discusses courage.

"I realized that courage is on of the most important qualities that Wholehearted people have in common.  And not just any kind of courage; I found that Wholeheartedness requires ordinary courage.  Here's what I mean...
The root of the word courage is cor--the Latin word for heart.  In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today.  Courage originally meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."  Over time, this definition has changed, and today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic.  Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we've lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we're feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage.  Heroics is often about putting our life on the line.  Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.  In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary."

She goes on to describe a situation with her daughter wanting to come home from  a sleep over and how she commended her on her courage for knowing she wasn't ready and asking to go home.  Knowing ourselves certainly sounds courageous.  I have trouble finding the right words in situations like this with my own children and husband at the time it is happening.  I am typically judging, irritated, and say all the wrong things.  I feel like I am on the right path, knowing where I go wrong, the Greater Becoming of me will be when I can shift my perspective, my words, my actions that are more in line with my values.  That will take courage.

Beholding

I know that nothing has ever been real
without my beholding it.
All becoming has needed me.
My looking ripens things
and they come toward me, to meet and be met.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

Our Souls May Know Something that will Help

"We must face the brutal fact that neither religion nor science is going to save us from our self-inflicted tragedies.  Our technologies, psychotherapies, politics, and religious organizations have been leading us further everyday from wholeness and soul, and from harmony within ourselves, between each other and between us and the more-than-human world.  It is time for a radical change that can only begin with the wild reaches of our individual lives, each of us asking whether our souls may know something that will help."

This morning I read this in chapter 2 of Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche by Bill Plotkin, and these sentiments have been on my heart for quite sometime, but I did not know exactly the work required or how it is to be done.  This process of meeting my own soul is as frightening as it is exciting though I am certain this is where true healing begins.

A friend of mine introduced me to a book and practice.  It is precisely the thing I have been longing for.  I've only just begun to read it, but am ready to surrender to the work.  Now whether I can do this amidst being a mother of two boys, homeschooling, and also being a wife and living with my in-laws remains to be seen.  However, I do feel called.  The wild woman who introduced me to this idea of descending into meeting soul is Yasmin Suarez Shaddox.  Please look into her work.  She led me on a journey she calls Soulskin that helped me to hear the call of my soul.  So many of us know things are not right in the world, but we feel helpless to do anything about it.  We cannot create change in the outer world until we've made changes within ourselves.  What I love about this process of Soulcraft is that we may learn our souls purpose and our gifts so that we might bring about change.  It gives me hope.  It is this hope that drives me into the descent of soul.  I've not fully begun the journey but I have been called.

Been Meeting Souls Lately

“Our lives are not our own. we are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. Truth is singular. Its ‘versions’ are mistruths. To be is to be perceived, and so to know thyself is only possible through the eyes of the other… The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds, that go and impressionate themselves throughout all time…Yesterday, my life was headed in one direction. Today, it is headed in another. Yesterday I believed that I would never have done what I did today. These forces that often remake time and space, that can shape and alter who we imagine ourselves to be, begin long before we are born and continue after we perish. Our lives and our choices, like quantum trajectories, are understood moment to moment. At each point of intersection, each encounter suggests a new potential direction.”
“Cloud Atlas”

It really is something to encounter someone's soul.  Not everyone's soul shines through.  When they meet and resonate it is powerful.  I really am feeling the call to connect with my soul and my soul's purpose and to be able to connect with other souls to help them fulfill theirs.  

Moths

I find animal symbolism very curious.  Are there certain animals or insects that keep showing up in your life?  I tend to find meaning in ordinary moments.  Moths have always lived in my closet and cupboards or find their way into my house, even with cedar placed randomly throughout.  So while they may just be a product of my environment, I choose to look at their symbolic meaning because it just makes life more interesting. I've been feeling rather vulnerable and also a bit psychic lately (more attuned to my intuition) and a little moth showed up this morning.  Here is some moth symbolism.  You can read more here: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html

Nocturnal Animal Symbolism Includes:

• Dreams
• Shadows
• Otherworldliness
• Secret knowledge
• Psychic awareness

We gather these symbolic attributes because night creatures conduct their life-sustaining activities in complete darkness.
As humans, we may translate this as symbolic of living our lives by intuitive feeling rather than physical sensory perception.
Philosophically speaking, night creatures do not tumble in the dark, and neither do humans. We use our dreams, our awareness, and our deeper, inner knowing to navigate through the darkest hours of our lives.
Faith is another tool we use to move through shadowy times of uncertainty, and the moth also shares this aspect. The moth never questions provision. She has complete faith that all of her needs will be met each night.

A Quick-List of Symbolic Moth Meanings

• Vulnerability
• Determination
• Concealment
• Attraction
• Subtlety
• Intuition
• Faith

Even in navigation, when we observe the moth to fly into artificial light or flames, the moth demonstrates its faith and determination.
It is still unproven as to why the moth is driven to light - but the best hypothesis is that the moth navigates by lunar light. In the absence of moonlight, the moth moves to the next best thing: man-made light.
Even at the risk of loosing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. This may also serve as a moral to us to keep our own vigilance, but not fall victim of blind faith.
Here we see a fragile vulnerability in the moth. The moon is her mother, and she will follow her course at all cost. This makes her open to distraction, vulnerable to harm. Here we may find another message to adjust our course as our path indicates rather than drive forward without heeding important signs along the way.
As a creature of the night, and by her navigational devices, we see the moth is highly influenced by the power of the moon. This aspect ties in with animal symbolism of intuition, and psychic awareness.
Indeed, those with the moth totem will find this creature a magnificent assistant in developing higher awareness, and psychic enhancement.
However, with higher perception we sometimes overstep into the realm of confusion. It is important to seat ourselves in grounding foundations when we step in-tune with the lunar aspects of the moth. In other words, fly high with the moth - but always have a clear runway for happy, safe landings.
The moth continues to be under the influence in matters of love. She emits pheromones that are powerfully strong, attracting her male counterpart through the dark nights. These scented trails can be followed for remarkable distances.

So let me say first how this came into being.  As I was woke I was feeling really heavy and sad, which didn't fit at all where I have been emotionally lately, and then I recalled a dream I'd had, and realized that is where the sadness came.  Somewhere in this sleep, dream, wake state an idea came into being.  Not really an idea, but instructions.  It was absolutely clear, "start a blog and call it Greater Becoming."  Ugh, start a blog?  I've done that.  It was a blog about my life as a new mother.  It was a fun way to show off my son (I was so proud) and all the things we did together and include my big ideas and opinions on things.  I soon realized I didn't have time to devote to writing it the way I'd like, and I had other things I was learning about that I wanted to share, but my father was reading and he didn't agree or had opinions I wished he didn't share (there is more to this).  I had all of 10 readers, maybe, anyway, so I gave it up.  At nearly the same time I gave up a photography blog I had started.  This is a theme with me, going somewhere, beginning something and quitting when I before I am seen or noticed, when really all I want is to be seen. 

So this idea that came to me upon waking, to start a blog was a little irritating.  Something I'd drag my feet over.  But I didn't, it felt a little like a heart stirring.  So I sat down to do it.  But, now I have two little boys, 7 and 3, that I homeschool.  In the midst of this heart stirring, heavy, sleepy state my boys are jumping on my bed, asking for breakfast, my older one tells me he wants to teach the first lesson today and he's eager to get started, and all I want to do is collect my thoughts and be alone.  This of course is impossible.  So amidst the interruptions and what felt like chaos, I wrote down my dream (but not what I felt it symbolized, still working that out), and tried out my blog title on blogger and it was available and made my first post.  This is how I have to do things.  With constant interruption and distraction.  It's really hard for me, I long for hours, days, weeks even of time alone to be with my thoughts.  Yes, I've just realized I am an introvert.  But we can't learn in a vacuum.  Life is messy.  It's all about incorporating what we've learned into our everyday moments.  I think this might be what this blog will be about.  I don't know where this will go.  But here I am showing up and learning to be vulnerable.   

Greater Becoming

In a sad and heavy state after a scary dream, I later woke with this idea.  It said clearly, "start a blog and call it Greater Becoming".  The quote/meme above came to me one day in my Facebook feed and it resonated with where I feel I'm headed (Yes, I tend to live in the future) and I am sure this is where the title for this blog came from.  I've not read the source of the quote, but just might have to now.  I have no idea what I am to do here yet, but I feel called to something.  Even if nothing other than a place to collect my thoughts.  So here I am ready to see and be seen.